Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Today's Hate: The Milwaukee Brewers

This week my beloved Cincinnati Reds begin their first road trip of the season in Milwaukee. Every time I see the Reds play in at Miller Park I come back to the same thought…

I fucking hate the Milwaukee Brewers.

First, I should start with the backstory. I didn't care about the Milwaukee Brewers as a child. They were an American League team, and seriously, fuck the AL with their "designated hitter" and "slighly better players." I remember they had a pretty cool logo - a "M" and a "B" that former a baseball glove that could only be used by a cartoon character.

Then when Arizona and Tampa Bay received expansion teams in 1998 the Brewers got a big gift given to them by former awful owner (and current awful commissioner) Bud Selig. With the addition of the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays, both the AL and NL had 15 teams. In order for the leagues to continue to play primarily intraleague games they would need an even number of teams. Thus Selig decided that one team from the AL Central had to move to the NL Central. Guess which one switched? That’s right - the team he used to own.

(He's probably thinking of ways to screw over fans - or the Astros)
It was a big boom for the Brewers, naturally. Milwaukee is a glorified suburb of Chicago as it is, so naturally the Brewers make money hand-over-foot when the North Siders invade. The only reason the Brewers moved to the NL was to help Selig’s former team and to give Cubs fans a cheaper way to see their team than paying to go to Wrigley Field.

I think my hatred of the Brewers also has a little bit to do with my hatred of Wisconsin as a whole. Have you ever spent more than a week there? I have and I advise against it. It’s boring. It’s like Indiana with fatter people. I don’t like cheese, hunting or Brett Favre, so I was greatly out of place when my fiancee and I spent two long, long years in the Dairy State. We recently drove through Wisconsin on the way to the first round NCAA Tournament games in Minneapolis. All it did was remind me of why I left in the first place. Instead of “On Wisconsin,” make it “Fuck Wisconsin.”

Here are some specific reasons why I hate the Brewers:

(You don't have to see home plate. That's not important. Also pictured: Stupid fans.)

· Miller Park - Here’s the thing about the Brewers’ heralded stadium: It’s stale and overrated. First, it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere. The fact you can tailgate is nice, but I’m sure the main reason you can there is because there’s literally nothing near the stadium. Once you find the stadium, it takes forever to wait to get to the parking area. And when you do get there, the parking isn’t that good. Even when there aren’t a lot of people at the game, the parking is still a mess. Then once you get in, you’re underwhelmed. I’ve been there when the roof is open and when it’s closed, and it’s admittedly tolerable when the roof is open. Otherwise it’s as stale as year-old bread. There’s no atmosphere at all. Most of the seats are high up and far from the field, and while there are window panels in the outfield, the view is of the parking lots. Wow.
· Their fans - There are some good and knowledgeable Brewer fans. I knew one when I lived in Wisconsin and we’d talk all the time about the NL Central. But in my two years in Wisconsin, he was the only one I ever met. There are a lot of Brewer fans now. They’re competitive after all. I’m pretty sure God (or whatever) created Brewer fans in 2005. Oh, and every time I read about how fans there are so friendly I wonder if they missed the games I was at. They were generally rude and ignorant when I was there.

(I have a coworker with blonde facial hair. It doesn't look good on him either.)

· Bernie Brewer - Sure. I’m a Reds fan, and we have a really lame mascot in Gapper, but Bernie may be worse. I know a lot of people won’t agree with this, but he’s stupid. “Oooh! He lives in a dugout in the outfield and slides down a slide when the Brewers hit a home run! How fun!” Fuck Bernie. And the sausages. If you’ve seen the Sausage Race once, that’s enough.
· Roll Out The Barrels - Stupid ass song. I had to hear it every time I was at a baseball game in Wisconsin, including at Miller Park. I hate that song. I’m glad I don’t have to hear it anymore.

· Fucking Bill Hall - As a Reds fan, Public Enemy No. 1 is Bill Hall. I went to 12 Reds-Brewers games in Milwaukee, and Hall ruined probably seven of them. The thing is he’s not even that good of a player! He just kills the Reds. I fucking hate Bill Hall. Through Monday, April 14, Hall is a career .258 hitter. But during his six-year career against the Reds, he’s hit under .300 only once. He hit his first career grand slam against the Reds, was one of five Brewers to hit a home run against Matt Belisle in the same inning (I was there, dammit!), drove in four runs as the Brewers rallied from a 9-0 deficit to beat the Reds, has had walkoff home runs and a fucking walkoff bunt against Cincinnati. I’m pretty sure he hit a bases-empty grand slam against the Reds at some point too.
He also appeared on the Young and the Restless. Douche.

There is no franchise that deserves the success it has less than the Milwaukee Brewers. I hate them. I am almost as happy when I read about bad things that happen to the Brewers and their “fans” than when I watch the Reds do well.

I hate the Milwaukee Brewers.


  1. You are a fucking moron. Maybe you should try re-writing this when you aren't on your period. Maybe if your team didn't suck worse than the Brewers you'd have a different perspective.

    You obviously know dick about what you're talking about. Milwaukee is in the 22nd largest city in the US. Columbus is 15, Cleveland is 40, but Cincinnati doesn't even break the top 50. It is a glorified suburb of your ego.

    Can you blame Selig for switching the Brewers over to the NL? They lobbied for it, and yes he used to own them, so fucking what? Deal with it you pussy. He is going to go down as one of the best commissioners in the history of MLB, and deservedly so. What exactly makes him suck? The fact that the sport has grown leaps and bounds, and is more profitable than ever? The fact that there is at least the beginning of parity in the sport? Maybe it's just because he didn't own the Reds that has you all hot and bothered, or is it his dislike for you gambling addict hero?

    Wisconsin as a whole sucks, eh? Well let’s see... we have amazing scenery, interesting cities, a lot to do outdoors in all seasons, plenty of sports, the largest music festival in the world, a ton of lakes, a living great lake, and a ton of history. What more does Ohio have? Redneck neighbors, a shitty dead great lake, or is it just your glorious self? I can't even begin to comprehend the comparison to Indiana. I didn't think WI was a southern, flat, bland, lakeless State, but maybe it's just me.

    Miller Park is great. It is actually quite easy to find if your not a complete dumb-fuck. The parking is easy to access, and tailgating is part of the experience. If it wasn't that way you'd bitch about the lack of parking. The windows do look out to the parking lots BECAUSE they're so close to the stadium. What the hell else would they give a view of? Miller Park is regularly rated one of the best values and experiences in all of baseball. The views are great from pretty much anywhere, there is a ton to do, and it's not overly bloated or expensive as some places. Also, IT HAS A RETRACT-A-FUCKING-BLE ROOF!

    Any town is going to have fair weather fans. It's part of sports. Milwaukee has always been a baseball town, though, and despite the annoyance of all the bandwagon jumping new fans, it's good for the team as it means more money, and it's symbolic of the increased success. When they're gone, there is still a very large segment of fans that are quite knowledgeable, very loyal, and surely more fun to be around than you. Don't blame us all because you surrounded yourself with stupid people.

    You can't knock Bernie Brewer and his slide when your team has mascots of a guy with a giant retarded baseball head, and an even more gay version of a telletubby. At least ours has a good back story, and a connection to the history of the city.

    If I were you, I'd hate Bill Hall too. He is a glorified utility fill-in, and yet he crushes your silly asses. That would piss me off too, but it's my guy doing it to yours, and you started the rant about it, so eat fuck asshat.

    The Brewers don't deserve their success? What about all of the loyal fans going out to the park, following every game and endured decades of pathetic teams with utter loyalty? What about the bygone heroes of the fleeting speck of time that were the glory years of the organization? What about the desire to return to glory after having had the successful Braves organization for so long, only to see the team move and for it's success continue in another State. What about the organization changing from the bottom up, growing their talent, not buying it, and using hard work and a crafty new owner to put a winning product out on the field? What about the support of the community to build a state-of-the-art ballpark, and support the team in droves? What about the loyalty of one of the greatest baseball broadcasters in our radio booth decade after decade, and his lovable charm staying sharp through the years of bad baseball? There are a million reasons for their success to be deserved, and I can't think of one legit reason it is not.

    In closing your hatred for the Brewers is pathetic, conceited, vain and shallow. You spout off without any real substance, and take on one of the most deserving clubs in all of baseball. You should probably take a harder look at yourself, as it's what you should be hating you fuckstain.

  2. I'm sorry about that last person's comment. He is probably they type that makes you hate WI.

    I am also from WI, but not a jerk. I just wanted to say, while I respect your opinion of the Brewers, I disagree. I love the Brewers, and most of the state of Wisconsin.

    I am also very sorry that you had to deal with all the bandwagon fans, trust me, I have been a Brewers fan my whole life, and they annoy me to no end. But please don't think we are all like that! Some of us actually know a thing or two about baseball!

  3. Steve H.

    Thanks for reminding my why I'm glad to not be living in Wisconsin anymore.


    I know you're not all like Steve H. Thanks for the comment.

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