Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Today's Hate: Cats

First, a quick note: I am a big animal lover. I general, I like animals far more than I like people. I would never hurt any animal and I don't want anyone reading this to think I would ever hurt a cat in any way.

But cats are fucking awful.

There are two types of people in the world: Dog lovers and idiots. Dogs are generally dumb, messy and fiercely loyal. A cat couldn't care less whether you lived or died. They're totally indifferent toward your very existance. Cat people are dumb. Mr. Jingles doesn't love you.

But why listen to me? These videos show how evil cats are.

Hairballs. Cute. That's what I want to watch my pet do all day.

OK. I have to admit. This is funny, and I hate kids as much as I hate cats. But, still, Admiral Fluffy shouldn't be attacking the spawn.

This guy is just trying to do his job, but this asshole cat isn't ok with that. What a douche.

This is a video that shows it all. Cats are full of inactivity with short bursts of violence.

Cats are even involved in underground fighting tournaments. Check out this clip from the movie Bloodsport. Yes, that's a meowing cat you hear at certain parts. I have no idea why, but it makes sense. Perhaps there were cats in the crowd. Skip ahead to the 3:05 mark for one of the most noticable meows.

Of course I have a personal reason for this hate:

This is Butterscotch. He's the asshole cat my mom picked up as a stray when I was a junior in high school. Butterscotch has attacked me on several occasions, with the first coming on the first day we had him. My mom was holding him in the kitchen of our house, and when I came home from school and noticed him, I went to pet him. Butterscotch leapt from my mom's arms and clawed me. He was going for my eyes, which I closed a split second before he scratched me. He cut my eyelid.

Over years he has attempted to smother me in the middle of the night by laying on my face while I slept, peed on several of my things (pillows, clothes, etc.), shit on the walls (don't ask) and has clawed and bitten me on several occasions. He tries to act like he rules my parents house, but he's an indoor cat. He used to try to go outside, and one time he got out and was out all night. We found him the next morning dirty, scared and hiding under the air conditioner. Pussy.

He used to tease our dog, Spydel, who I loved because she - like all dogs - are great. Butterscotch would bat Spy, and she'd growl. He'd do it again, and she'd grow. He'd do it a third time, and she'd snap and try to bite him. Spy always missed (perhaps intentionally), but I always wanted her to get him once.

Butterscotch, like all other cats, are jerks and I hate them.

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