Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Introduction & Today's Hate: Bad Oscar Fashion

First, an introduction. My name is Matt and I live in suburban Columbus, Ohio. I am a page designer for a sports publication company in central Ohio. I am 27-years-old and live with my loving fiancee, Lindsay, and my evil rabbit, Lord Hoppington.

I am generally a nice, quiet person. I just happen to hate many, many things. It is a big source of humor where I work and among my friends. This blog will be a way for me to make my feelings known to the world. I really expect no one to read this, but I will try to update it at least once a week with a new subject.

With that out of the way, my first subject is Bad Oscar Fashion.

Some people call the Academy Awards the Gay Super Bowl. I can understand that. For me, as a straight man who loves many of the same things a gay person does, I totally love red carpet fashion even though I like the Super Bowl more. I'm addicted to Project Runway and that has made me a fashion follower. I don't understand why some things in fashion are popular, but I know what I like and what I hate. And I like watching pretty people dress up in pretty dresses.

I don't care what that says about me, either.

Yet not all of the pretty people dressed well on Sunday. Here's today's hate - Bad Oscar Fashion.

Jessica Biel
First, I have to ask - why was she there again? I don't think Blade 3 was nominated for an Oscar. I think she was just there to show everyone how not to dress. I can see how the thought process had to go as her stylists (who obviously hate her) helped her decide what to wear: "Let's find something to totally make her look fat. Let's also make sure it's totally unfinished at the bottom so you can't see her shoes (which will be horrible anyway)."

Marisa Tomei
Where's the color, sweetie? And I. Cannot. Stand. Asymmetrical. Dresses. It's just a personal preference, but I think it looks sloppy. The dress is way too busy, too.

I absolutely appreciate a girl with curves, but I wish Beyonce would hit the breaks. A mermaid-shaped dress on that body? Really?! And she's wearing my grandma's couch.

Amy Adams
I loved her green dress last year. I hate this. The jewelry is cool (a minority opinion perhaps), but you can't wear red on the red carpet. It's got to be a little darker shade or a little lighter. It just doesn't work for me. And I don't like how fabric just drapes down the front. It takes all shape away.

Heidi Klum
I love Project Runway and Heidi as the host. That being said, she looks horrible here. The accessories are way, way too much. And it's red. And it's asymmetrical. And she kinda looks hoochie. That hurt to type. Auf Wiedersehen, Heidi.

Miley Cyrus
Miley is 16 years old, but she continues to dress like she's 36. This is actually the best she's looked all awards season, but that's not saying much. The skirt's too busy for my tastes. I don't hate the belt, though.

Penelope Cruz
A) I don't ever have a clue what she's saying, and that annoys me. B) I wonder where her groom is because she totally wore a wedding dress. C) Her main accessory? Crow's feet. Zing. Yeah, I said it.

Vanessa Hudgens
It's not awful, but a bird must have literally exploded on her bust. I think that might be what happened to the birds that hit the plane that had to land in the Hudson River. And I hate the bottom. I also don't really know who the fuck she is.

Frieda Pinto
Total points for wearing an actual color, but the top is totally distracting. I'm fine with everything from the waist down. And, once again, it's asymmetrical.

Sarah Jessica Parker
She looks like she's going to a wedding, too. I guess that's supposed to be ironic since Ferris Bueller is soon going to realize he could do better. The top doesn't fit right. Her boobs make me hurt. (Ed. Note: Lindsay tells me the dress is actually mint green, which I couldn't tell until I saw a close-up on TV. Still don't like it though.)

Whoopie Goldberg
Ugh. Next!

Tilda Swinton
Actually, wait Whoopie, come back! What the fuck is this?! You're literally wearing half a burlap sack. Just awful. She's clearly the worst dressed, and it wasn't close. Oh, and the black bow on the skirt makes it look like she's hiding a package if you know what I mean. I was watching Fashion Police on E! and she was listed as a best dressed, which initially made me angry until I realized who the judges are. Debbie Matenopoulos wears shoulder pads for goodness sake.

Kate Winslet
The night's big winner just looked old. The hair makes her look like Hilary Clinton and the dress is too "old Hollywood." And would someone tell her to go brunette or back to red? Blonde doesn't work for you, sweetie.

In case you're curious, my best dressed are Angelina Jolie (It's black, but I love the earrings!), Anne Hathaway (The detail is fantastic), Natalie Portman (It's not the greatest ever, but the pink and the details are cool.), Tarjai P. Henson (It fits her perfectly and the necklace is awesome.) and Alicia Keys (The purplish pink works.).

Finally, here are a couple of topics I know I will touch on in the coming weeks. These are all things I hate:

- Cats

- Kids

- Pants

- The designated hitter

- Optimistic sports fans

- Ugly uniforms (I'm a big Uni Watch guy)

- Most things about religion

- What has happened to Heroes after the first season

- ABC after the network canceled Pushing Daisies (Assholes.)

- The judges' decision at the end of Project Runway seasons one, two (especially) and five.

- Xavier University (UD grad, represent)

- Being a fan of a perpetually disappointing sports team (Reds, Blue Jackets, UD basketball)

- And much, much more...