Today's Hate: The Milwaukee Brewers

This week my beloved Cincinnati Reds begin their first road trip of the season in Milwaukee. Every time I see the Reds play in at Miller Park I come back to the same thought…

I fucking hate the Milwaukee Brewers.

First, I should start with the backstory. I didn't care about the Milwaukee Brewers as a child. They were an American League team, and seriously, fuck the AL with their "designated hitter" and "slighly better players." I remember they had a pretty cool logo - a "M" and a "B" that former a baseball glove that could only be used by a cartoon character.

Then when Arizona and Tampa Bay received expansion teams in 1998 the Brewers got a big gift given to them by former awful owner (and current awful commissioner) Bud Selig. With the addition of the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays, both the AL and NL had 15 teams. In order for the leagues to continue to play primarily intraleague games they would need an even number of teams. Thus Selig decided that one team from the AL Central had to move to the NL Central. Guess which one switched? That’s right - the team he used to own.

(He's probably thinking of ways to screw over fans - or the Astros)

It was a big boom for the Brewers, naturally. Milwaukee is a glorified suburb of Chicago as it is, so naturally the Brewers make money hand-over-foot when the North Siders invade. The only reason the Brewers moved to the NL was to help Selig’s former team and to give Cubs fans a cheaper way to see their team than paying to go to Wrigley Field.

I think my hatred of the Brewers also has a little bit to do with my hatred of Wisconsin as a whole. Have you ever spent more than a week there? I have and I advise against it. It’s boring. It’s like Indiana with fatter people. I don’t like cheese, hunting or Brett Favre, so I was greatly out of place when my fiancee and I spent two long, long years in the Dairy State. We recently drove through Wisconsin on the way to the first round NCAA Tournament games in Minneapolis. All it did was remind me of why I left in the first place. Instead of “On Wisconsin,” make it “Fuck Wisconsin.”

Here are some specific reasons why I hate the Brewers:

(You don't have to see home plate. That's not important. Also pictured: Stupid fans.)

· Miller Park - Here’s the thing about the Brewers’ heralded stadium: It’s stale and overrated. First, it’s in the middle of fucking nowhere. The fact you can tailgate is nice, but I’m sure the main reason you can there is because there’s literally nothing near the stadium. Once you find the stadium, it takes forever to wait to get to the parking area. And when you do get there, the parking isn’t that good. Even when there aren’t a lot of people at the game, the parking is still a mess. Then once you get in, you’re underwhelmed. I’ve been there when the roof is open and when it’s closed, and it’s admittedly tolerable when the roof is open. Otherwise it’s as stale as year-old bread. There’s no atmosphere at all. Most of the seats are high up and far from the field, and while there are window panels in the outfield, the view is of the parking lots. Wow.
· Their fans - There are some good and knowledgeable Brewer fans. I knew one when I lived in Wisconsin and we’d talk all the time about the NL Central. But in my two years in Wisconsin, he was the only one I ever met. There are a lot of Brewer fans now. They’re competitive after all. I’m pretty sure God (or whatever) created Brewer fans in 2005. Oh, and every time I read about how fans there are so friendly I wonder if they missed the games I was at. They were generally rude and ignorant when I was there.

(I have a coworker with blonde facial hair. It doesn't look good on him either.)

· Bernie Brewer - Sure. I’m a Reds fan, and we have a really lame mascot in Gapper, but Bernie may be worse. I know a lot of people won’t agree with this, but he’s stupid. “Oooh! He lives in a dugout in the outfield and slides down a slide when the Brewers hit a home run! How fun!” Fuck Bernie. And the sausages. If you’ve seen the Sausage Race once, that’s enough.
· Roll Out The Barrels - Stupid ass song. I had to hear it every time I was at a baseball game in Wisconsin, including at Miller Park. I hate that song. I’m glad I don’t have to hear it anymore.

· Fucking Bill Hall - As a Reds fan, Public Enemy No. 1 is Bill Hall. I went to 12 Reds-Brewers games in Milwaukee, and Hall ruined probably seven of them. The thing is he’s not even that good of a player! He just kills the Reds. I fucking hate Bill Hall. Through Monday, April 14, Hall is a career .258 hitter. But during his six-year career against the Reds, he’s hit under .300 only once. He hit his first career grand slam against the Reds, was one of five Brewers to hit a home run against Matt Belisle in the same inning (I was there, dammit!), drove in four runs as the Brewers rallied from a 9-0 deficit to beat the Reds, has had walkoff home runs and a fucking walkoff bunt against Cincinnati. I’m pretty sure he hit a bases-empty grand slam against the Reds at some point too.
He also appeared on the Young and the Restless. Douche.

There is no franchise that deserves the success it has less than the Milwaukee Brewers. I hate them. I am almost as happy when I read about bad things that happen to the Brewers and their “fans” than when I watch the Reds do well.

I hate the Milwaukee Brewers.